


Better to have been with than live without it (feel real)

by n30xy5



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Because I'm a thirsty gay, CAN WE HAVE A SEASON TWO PLEASE, Character Study, F/F, First Kiss, Internalized Homophobia, Like, THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED, annd a bit of continuation of season 1, she got it bad, they're all queer to me lmao, yes u read that right i made them kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25311820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n30xy5/pseuds/n30xy5
Summary: In which Sister Beatrice is both touch starved, a repressed lesbian, and Ava is the touchy hero she needs.
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Comments: 23
Kudos: 726





	Better to have been with than live without it (feel real)

**Author's Note:**

> Heyooo, I absolutely love their relationship, so I tried to write a lil something about them :)

Sister Beatrice wasn’t one for physical contact.

Her parents hadn’t been huggers, nor the touchy-feely type of people. Her nanny had been her only anchor to human warmth during her childhood, to whom Beatrice was forever grateful for. While entering her teenagehood, she finally made friends. They weren’t that affectionate, but she contented herself with pats on the back, and occasional awkward side hugs that made her beam for the rest of the day. 

The first girl that she’d fallen in love with was a walking ray of sunshine. Her presence was sunny, and her touch  _ warm  _ . She felt like fire. She never hesitated to take her hand, hug her, touch her hair, sit on her lap. Beatrice was flustered at each of them, but appreciated each like a starving man appreciated an offered hot meal. 

Eventually, she burned herself. 

Her mother walked in on them kissing, chastely, like the two experimenting schoolgirls they were. She kicked the girl out, slapped her daughter, made a mess of the house while her father watched, saying nothing. 

“What a disgrace! You’re an abomination, Beatrice! What about our reputation?!” She spat in the young girl’s face.

A week later, Beatrice was sent away in a private, catholic, run-by-nun school, where she buried herself with work so she’d fall asleep because of exhaustion, not tears. 

She didn’t make friends, there. She built walls around herself, never letting anyone touch her, afraid of the repercussions. The nuns hadn’t exactly helped either, their discourse on homosexuality more than heinous, and the constant warnings about Satan’s temptations. 

They’d wanted her to be “normal”. So that’s what she tried her best to be. Their definition of normal. 

She felt so cold, all the time. 

She pronounced her vows young, became Sister Beatrice, and was as quickly noticed by the OCS. She began her training, getting skilled at so many things just to show that even if she was flawed, she had value. That she was worth something. 

Her self-hatred made her repress everything. 

She didn’t touch the other nuns, she avoided talking to them too, when not needed. 

She tried her best to look just shy. It was a calculated move, so that they wouldn’t hate her, just think she wasn’t one for small talks. 

_____________________________________

When Mary and Lilith came along, everything changed. Sure, they never touched, both of the girls sensing Beatrice’s rebuttal for physical affection, but the genuine connection sparked inside of her some of the warmth that she’d lost over the years. 

Shannon came along as well, and she finally felt like she sort of belonged, like she had a family. 

She saw, like Lilith, the connection between Mary and Shannon. It was as clear as the day. She never commented on it, even if she was taught that  _ it  _ was a sin. She loved them, and if they were happy, then so be it. She put her discomfort on the side. 

A bit of progress had been made after that. She allowed a little bit of contact, for barely a few seconds. Yet the girls noticed. They smiled when she had awkwardly put her hand on Lilith’s shoulder for less than a second, thanking her for something, but never commented on it. Beatrice was grateful for this. 

The truth was that she was terrified. 

What if just a touch, a single lingering, long touch in which she’d fall, from someone, made all of her hard work of repressing everything for nothing? What if a single touch let her... _ devious _ thoughts come out? 

She couldn’t allow that to happen. 

She craved, yet she still avoided like the pest. 

But silently, the healing began. 

___________________________________

The moment Camila joined the order, she’d been all smiles and excited chatter, which melted a bit of the cold exterior that she’d built to protect herself. She would take the hand Lilith offered her when she’d be put to the ground after an intense fight, and would offer her hand too. She’d let her back be lightly patted by Mary or Shannon when she would do something right, and even high-fived Camila when the girl did something she was proud of. 

She’d still go rigid when someone tried to hug her, pushing them away, yet the amelioration was there. 

____________________________________

She regretted not touching Shannon before she died. 

She helped carry the body, yes but she should’ve...hugged her, or at least kissed her forehead, taken her hand one last time. She had just lost her sister, her family, and she didn’t do anything, petrified by what was happening. 

Beatrice, during the few minutes where Mary said her goodbyes to the woman she loved, let tears fall freely from her eyes.

Then, everything went to shit. 

*********************************************

Ava was the absolute opposite. 

Being quadriplegic from the youngest age did that to a person. 

Every occasion she had to touch, she did. 

When she hugged Beatrice after Mother Superion’s speech (which felt more like a verbal attack than anything), she felt at home in the arms of the taller woman. Even with sobs wrecking her body, she secured her hold around her neck, buried her nose deeper in the space between the clavicle and the throat of the nun. It was weird, being this intimate with someone she’d just met, yet it felt oddly right. 

The touching didn’t stop after that. 

A brief contact of hands barely touching while walking next to another. 

The hand applying pressure on Ava’s legs while she panics because she _ can’t feel her body. _

Again, hands on the bleeding wound after escaping Cat’s Cradle. 

Beatrice rapidly cupping Ava’s face in her hands after her first phasing in ARQTECH’s labs. 

It was like a magnet. 

She feels the nun’s brain going at two thousand miles per hour after reading the story about the gay Warrior Nun. She sees the tears, badly covered by her long lashes. 

“Wanna talk about it?” She simply says, seeing the pain in the other girl’s eyes. 

But instead, Beatrice pushes her away, snaps at her like a wristband that was played with too much. “Your ignorance is really a downer sometimes.”  _ Ouch _ .

“Uh okay, but why are you so mad at me?” 

Beatrice almost flinches at that. She was just so,  _ so  _ tired, and  _ so  _ full of anger. 

“It’s not you. It’s everyone but you.” The pain in her cracking voice makes Ava shiver.

She then talks and talks and Ava understands. She hears what’s hidden behind the words. 

“Don’t hate what you are. What you are is beautiful, Beatrice.”  _ I want you to understand _ . she thinks. 

The look Ava gives Beatrice, so sure of herself, makes something falter in heart. 

___________________________

The Halo bearer notices she really wants to kiss the nun when she gets out of the twenty feet of concrete, Beatrice’s voice guiding her. They’re close, oh so close, and Ava can’t help but look at her lips because she’s so close and so pretty and she sees every detail of her face, the tiny freckles at the corner of her eyes and the specks of grey in her dark eyes and _ damn I need to  _ **_chill_ ** _ , it’s not because she’s gay that she’s into you dumbass? also she looks like she’s struggling with her sexuality so _ , _ read the room ?? _

Then the moment is over. 

Except Ava can’t understand why Camila smiles when she says she’s escaping Beatrice.

She shrugs it off, but a certain feeling keeps nagging at her thoughts.

**************************************

“Is this our thing now?” 

“If bad puns are wrong, I don’t want to be right.” 

They’re both grinning at each other. Beatrice’s heart flutters. If it’s because of the way the light shines in Ava’s eyes more than the anxiety she's feeling, she doesn’t pick it up.

***************************************

The group manages to escape the Vatican, in almost one piece. Mary is beaten to a pulp, but they, by litteral divine intervention, succeed to drag her out of the pile of Wraith demons surrounding her. 

Ava hurts Adriel : it’s a single hit, but he screams in pain as the Divinium sword goes through his plexus like butter. The fist she get in her face is  _ so  _ worth it.

“Take that, fucker!” She screams at him. While running away, she sends a death glare and a middle finger at Father Vincent, who has an unreadable look on his face, hidden behind screaming possessed people. 

“We’re gonna come for you too, traitor!” She turns too fast to see the flash of shame in the eyes of the priest. 

She runs, like she never ran before, carrying Mary on one shoulder, the Halo giving her more strength to help her friends along the way. After a few minutes of zig-zagging through the agitated streets of Rome, they come to a stop to catch their breath. The street they’re in is narrow, crossing the line of buildings separating two main avenues, crowded with both tourists and locals, all attracted by the smokes coming out of the enclosure of the right wing of the religious city.

Mary is barely standing up, Camila, trying to calm Lilith who looks very, very angry (judging by the claws replacing the nails, the shrunken pupils, between other signs) and Beatrice is muttering something while looking up at the thin blue line that composes the sky.

Ava takes her hand while gently pressing it between her two palms, as a reassuring gesture. Beatrice looks at her, exhaustion and anger leaving her eyes, replaced by kindness. Ava likes it, when Beatrice takes the stern mask off while looking at her. The smile she gives her is small but sincere. 

“We’re gonna be okay.” 

***********************************************

The hotel they find is cheap, probably haunted, but it’s discreet enough for a night or two, the time to find how to get the hell away from Rome, probably to go back to the Cat’s Cradle. In between, they got basic medical supplies, so everyone is more or less patched up.

Camila manages to get them two rooms, one with a double bed and a single one, the other one with only one bed. To check regularly on both Mary and Lilith, Camila takes with the two other nuns the room with multiple beds, while agreeing that Mary will take the single bed. Ava notices a blush creeping on the younger sister’s neck at the mention of her  _ sleeping  _ with Lilith. The taller one hides her flush a little bit better, pretending to cough to hide the fact that she choked on air. “Even more useless than me, damn” the girl hears Mary mutters. At this, she snorts.

“You ain’t better than them, puppy eyes.” She says, smirking at the Warrior Nun while giving a sneaky head jerk to Beatrice, oblivious to the secret conversation the two are having. Ava stops laughing quickly. 

“Uh, yeahhhh. I’m um, gonna go to bed.” She says, feeling the heat creeping up her ears.  _ Had she been that obvious? _

“Oh, I’m coming with you then.” says Beatrice. “Are you feeling well? You’re a bit flushed.” She brings her hand up to Ava’s forehead, but the girl doges it by catching her hand, an awkward smile plastered on her face.

“Yep! Yep absolutely per-fec-to!” She doesn’t let go of the latter until Mary clears her throat, an eyebrow raised. 

They both blush, all the way to the room.

Ava changes in the small, dirty bathroom while the other girl is in the room. She can’t help but blush at the thought of a very much undressed Sister Beatrice, before scolding herself. 

They get into bed, as far away as they can from one another while not falling off the bed. They bid each other good night, turn the lights off, on their sides facing the walls.

The craving comes back at full speed for Beatrice, around two a.m.

She’s cold, and Ava’s warmth attracts her like a moth to a lamp. The glow of the Halo, stuck inside of her back, mesmerizes her. She reaches a hand, but stops herself before touching the thin material of the shirt. 

Negative thoughts fill her head. What if touching her will wake these not so obscured feelings? She already knows she’s in too deep. She hates herself for it, certain  _ they’re  _ not reciprocal. So she closes her eyes, and tries her hardest to fall asleep. 

________________________________

When she wakes up an hour later, panting because of a nightmare, it’s with Ava softly touching her hair, cooing words in her ear to calm her. 

Warm, she feels so  _ warm _ . 

“You okay? That dream looked real bad…” she whispers, as to not startle her. 

Beatrice acts on instinct more than anything, and gives in to the heat of the Halo bearer’s body. She snuggles up, head on her chest, arms around her waist. Ava calmly turns, so that her chin is on top of the girl’s head. 

“You know that you’re safe with me right? I know I sort of left you guys, but...not anymore. Okay?”

Beatrice feels the vibrations of the smaller girl’s voice relaxing her even deeper. 

“Yes, okay. I trust you.” She simply says. 

Comfortable silence fills the room, for He knows long. They feel like they’re in a bubble of time, all things quiet in the middle of the night. No cars, rarely drunk people in the streets screaming, just them. The lights of the city barely shining through the old window,the moonlight illuminating their tangled limbs under the covers. 

“Can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer.”

“Go ahead.” 

“Why are you so afraid of physical contact? I know you’re like me, y’know, in need of touch, like,  _ all  _ the time, but you always have that look when the contact is prolonged. Why?”

Beatrice takes her time to think of a proper response. 

“When we talked, back at the labs, after reading...you know, I told you about, some things.” A pause, yet Ava stay as attentive. “There’s, something they made me repress. A part of me. Something I am not able to change, even if I tried so hard. Instead, that, that part, well I buried it deep, you know? Touching, getting touched, it’s...it’s like opening the sealed box, inches by inches. I ended up refusing any contact. After finding my friends, it got a little bit better, but the pressure is still very much there.” 

She leaves the embrace, turns on her side, suddenly self conscious about their proximity, and the fact that she doesn’t want Ava to see her cry a second time. But the Warrior Nun has other plans. 

She gently, like to not scare her away, pushes Beatrice’s left shoulder down to the mattress, laying her back, while the other girl is intensely watching the ceiling, letting herself be moved without saying anything. Ava casually puts her hand on the girl’s jaw and lightly turns her head so that they’re looking at each other. 

“I meant it, when I said that what you are is beautiful, Bea. I still think it’s the truth. If it can help, I’m bisexual. You don’t have to label yourself, of course, but you know...I’m pretty sure Camila and Lilith are into each other, and from what Mary told me, she had a thing with the precedent Halo Bearer. You’re surrounded by open and accepting people, you’re loved. If what scares you is being rejected, just know that you won’t be, okay?” she says, propped up on an elbow, eyes soft and words hushed. “I’m not in your head, I don’t really know what you went through. But I like you alright? And your sisters love you too. You’re not alone.”

Beatrice watches her, tears falling freely from her eyes, cheeks pink, lips pressed to stop the sobs. 

Ava furrows her brows, slowly leaning her head down.

Their faces are so close once again. 

Time stops around them. 

Irises meeting irises, mouths a few centimeters apart, breath mingling. 

Beatrice’s eyes are dove like, open ,trusting and so scared. Ava looks at her with such softness that it makes her heart thrum in her chest. 

“You like me?” She whispers, almost inaudibly. 

“I mean, yeah. How could I not?” The answer is breathless.

“Oh.”

Ava closes the gap between them, lips brushing. A soft whimper escapes Beatrice’s mouth as the girl goes on top of her, knees straddling her thighs, palms firmly pressed against the sheets of the mattress. Beatrice doesn’t know where to place her hands until a spark ignites in her now mushy brain: she settle for the sides of her stomach, faintly grasping the material before leisurely hiking it up and putting her hands on Ava’s skin. She feels goosebumps erupt under her hold, and smiles into the kiss. 

Ava kisses her cheeks, still a bit wet with tears, before going down her jaw, then her neck, gently nipping at the skin there, to which Beatrice answers with a moan, a tightening grip around the girl’s hips and a knee between Ava’s legs.

The Warrior Nun jerks at the pressure, but slows down the kiss that had become friendzied to a slower, more sensual pace.

“We should -ah, we should stay at this stage for now.” Face flushed and pupils dilated, she adds while sitting up, “Not that I don’t want to, uh, you know, because clearly i’m attracted to you and well you seem to be too, but we kinda need to sleep and i also need to take you on a proper date, and we have to sort out a lot of shit but if you don’t want to wait i’m fine with that too i mean-”

She gets shushed with a small, chaste kiss by a very disheveled, very flushed Beatrice, who nods in agreement but doesn’t do anything to let the girl go from where she is, and blushes even harder while muttering something under her breath.

“Huh? What was that?” smugly says the girl on top. 

“Could you...perhaps, s-spoon me tonight then?” she turns her face away, red with embarrassment. 

Ava kisses her again, before settling herself behind the taller woman, one arm thrown over her side, her face buried in Beatrice’s neck, relaxing. 

Of course, they have issues to sort out, but right now, Beatrice feels warmer than she ever felt. 

They both fall asleep, rocked to sleep by the other’s calm heartbeat. 

____________________________

When Mary enters the room early (after knocking three times might she add) to wake ther sisters up, she finds them tangled in one another, content smiles plastered on their faces. 

She smirks knowingly, closes the door to let them enjoy their bliss a little longer, and all but shouts to Camila “Hey! you owe me twenty bucks!” to which she answers by a “NO WAY?! Oh maan, I was certain they’d wait a little bit longer!”

Lilith looks at them, confused as to what they’re talking about. 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Feel Real" by Deptford Goth (I listened it on repeat while writing, so i recommend it! :))


End file.
